A Failing Relationship, The Process of Letting Go
Posted: Monday, August 07, 2006
by Alisa Chagnon
When we are in an established relationship, we quite normally have expectations of our partner. We expect the person whom we love to show concern for our emotional and physical wellbeing, be respectful, kind, and give us a general feeling of safety and protection from life’s stressors. What do we do when the other person in the relationship is failing to meet our needs?
There is a two-step process for this situation to occur in the first place. The first being that we must ask ourselves if we entered into the relationship in which our partner did not demonstrate a large amount of these qualities to begin with. When falling in love, we sometimes only see the pleasing elements of a person’s personality and overlook the seemingly potentially disturbing aspects. Once the relationship has been established, as time goes on, this can lead to an inevitable realization that our partner in the relationship is not all that we desired. Disappointed and saddened that we feel we are not receiving the love we deserve, a person can quickly become frustrated, confused, and/or depressed.
The second way in which a person can begin to make us wonder if they truly care about us, is the situation in which their feelings toward us have apparently changed. In this case, our significant other did in fact display quality personality elements, provided us with the emotional support and gave us a feeling of love and safety in the relationship, and then they withdrew.
There are significant amounts of ways in which we may feel that our partner may be failing us. A sudden decrease in phone calls, a lack of questions and concerns regarding our personal life, spaces of time that are unaccounted for as we attempt to contact them to no avail, and being unfaithful are a few. Regardless of what actions they are doing, if we feel that they are not in love with us as previously thought, it can cause confusion and frustration. Understanding the situation for what it is can then lead to finding a solution to help us cope
There are many reasons why our partner may be displaying a lack of love, respect and kindness. A person may have reached a point in their life in which they question themselves and their ability to be in a serious relationship. They wish to distance themselves, as they feel they need freedom to consider their options. They may simply have decided that the relationship is not what they desire. A person may choose to exit the relationship slowly, because they do not possess the ability tell us pointblank.
When this happens, it is a natural instinct to question the other person in the relationship, try to learn why they are causing us to feel rejected and attempt to correct the problem. While counseling may work for specific relationship problems, this will only have a possibility of effectiveness if both partners wish to remain in the relationship. A large amount of patience and dedication is required to repair a relationship in this way.
However, if your partner simply does not possess the yearning of staying in the relationship, the single most important element to know is this: No matter how strongly you may desire a relationship, if the other person is not providing you with love there is nothing you can do about it. Questioning, prodding or even counseling will not force a person to love you. In fact, questioning their actions, demanding explanations, and attempting to force them into showing love will only push them away more rapidly. Just as we have freewill to do as we wish with our lives, our partner has this right also.
Feeling rejected is one of the saddest emotions we can have. Especially when we have shown and felt very strong love for another person and the relationship is failing. We ourselves, feel like failures. We may questions what we may have done wrong. We may struggle to think of a way to make the person care for us. Realize that nothing you did or said causes a person to fall out of love. True love does not stop, and if the relationship is fading, true and lasting love was not in place. Loving a person does not guarantee that we will then receive that same amount of love.
Is disheartening but true, if a person stops loving us, we have two choices. We can accept it or we can allow it to eat away at us. Acceptance of a lost love is the most difficult choice. The majority of people will first enter the phase of denial, hurt and anger. These feeling will eat away at us, causing problems in our family life, our personal life and our career. The emotional pain that we feel can most often seem to be such a large obstacle that it appears to be impossible to simply accept the situation. Feeling as though all our dreams and hopes for a future with the person we love has suddenly gone away is sometimes unbearable.
Sadly, despite how unhappy we may feel, our feeling of sorrow will not change the situation. In desperation, we may pray, beg and daydream constantly for the other person to love us. Nothing will change. If we realize this, the only other choice is to accept it.
Acceptance does not mean that we agree they treated us correctly. Acceptance does not mean that we must shut off our feelings for the other person. Acceptance does not mean that we must somehow feel happy. Acceptance simply means that we are fully aware that the relationship is not going to be as we desired and we sadly cannot change the other person’s feelings.
Once understanding this, and accepting this, we can attempt to go on with our lives. Attempting to stay in a relationship in which we are not receiving love is only delaying the separation process. Unless you unwisely choose to remain this type of relationship, which equals feeling rejected and frustrated, a breakup is unavoidable. In a perfect world, the people whom we love so strongly would feel the same way for us. In a perfect world, all of the devotion we gave would come back to us. We do not live in this world, and to imagine we do, does not allow us to deal with the reality of our lives. Letting go is one of the most difficult emotional choices we can make. Letting go, is one of smartest choice we can make.
Very true and informative.
I'm in the process of a failing relationship. At first as you mentioned feelings of confusing, anger, frustration and most of hopelessness stall our personal and private life’s creating a time of depression and deprivation.It's a hard choice but accepting that the relationship is not working and outlining your understanding with your partner is actually the healthiest thing you can do. This not only shows the partner your understanding but also emotionally prepared for what’s to come.After telling my partner about my view and support for breaking-up (however much I didn't want to) actually caused her to open up to me and tell me how much she loves me. This hasn't caused me to think it might work out as I would only be kidding myself but this article has really helped me understand my own situation better and hopefully help heal the pain from the aftermath with knowing the inevitable.
this is a very helpful article i need to read things like this my relationship was a failer when it started i found out after a year he had a girlfriend, but i was selfish and went for what i wanted and now 14 years later i am unhappy and i have been cheated on so many times i just dont know what to say be i feel very used and stupid i found out years ago the he was still in a relationship with his other baby momma of 18 years please help me why cant i let go
awesome article Alisa... xo sue
Nicely written, its very hard to come out of the denial, that the love is suddenly lost, in my case its even worse, we are co workers and we sit in adjacent cubicles. Its hard to be colleagues ..... but anyways its time to let it go and move on. It was a relationship destined to fail right from the start, and deep down i knew it, i was just postponing the thinking of it.Very hard to come out of this denial ....- Kris
Thank you. I cry and long for a lost love, and only want to stop. It was a very unhealthy marriage, and I should feel free. I don't. I miss her dearly and struggle to let her go. She "did not demonstrate a large amount of these qualities to begin with." I overlooked it and spent too many years yearning for love and emotional attention from her. Reading your article reminds me of what I already know, but continually fight; not accepting reality will only eat away at me. It has. It is time to accept and move on. Thank you.
Yes, it was extremely helpful. I am faced with this very situation right now. It's been a five-year relationship where we have been living together, and I'm the one being dumped. Frankly, it's probably the most emotionally devastating experience I have ever gone thorugh. Your article provided me with some comfort and clarity. Thank you.
This article helped me very much- as i am currently dealing with a failed relationship.
This article was helpful to me. After meeting my boyfriend online in 2008, we met in person for the first time in 2009...then in april of 2010, we moved in together- i was the one who left my family and friends and moved 1200miles to be with him. I fought for us, and made him my first priority. however, ive been highly mistaken, because he lacked thereof for me. after being together via internet, phone, and in person for 2 1/2years, he finally told me the other day that he doesnt love me and doesnt desire to be with me- that i dont interest him. I cried, and asked him to reconsider his decision- to give us another chance, one last chance. since then hes shown very little affection towards me, but i feel the tension and the fact that its real, we dont belong together. this article answered many questions i had and i now know the best thing for me is to leave him and move back home where i shouldve stayed to begin with. maybe in time ill accept a failed relationship, but the one good thing i know is i wont have to deal with sharing, doing everything his way, and the fact he was mentally and verbally abusive. i love him dearly, despite all of this...but i deserve a man who's going to love me the same way i love them. and whoever he is, i want him to know that im going to heal, become a better person, and grow, and when i meet him, ill be ready for him- and we can cherish each other.